the impatient patient

Well, where to start....

I went in for my follow-up after the Cytotec protocol last week, and as usual.... good news and not so good news. Good news is my 7.5w gestational sac has finally given up it's grip (who knew my uterus would be as stubborn as me). Most of tissue is gone, with a small amount still hanging around to mock me on the u/s.

Dr. V was on vacation (hopefully somewhere nice) so Nurse S did the u/s. I mentioned Dr. V called me yesterday at home, twice, over the last week...and she was surprised. But then she said Dr. V is a very concerned doctor, and how nice that he called me from vacation to check up on me. I guess that is very nice, and much different from my last doctor.

To which I was thinking, geez, maybe he's being super attentive because he is praying that this miscarriage is over and done with because I've been a PIA patient. Not by my own fault. It just seems so odd that for a person that can't stay pregnant, that it takes so frickin' long to become un-pregnant (not a word, but you get the idea).

So, they want to see me back for... u/s #15-16? sigh, there's been so many..... next Tuesday.

The good news is Dr. V will be back from vacation and I suppose we will get into the details of what happens next. He wants to jump right to injectables, but I am still hung up on wanting to know WHY I am having these miscarriages.

I have questions.... lots of them. I've been reading up on recurrent miscarriage and I would just feel better if he went over all my bloodwork again to see if there's anything we missed. I feel like something HAS to be wrong. How could I have had no problems conceiving David 4 years ago and now be in the mess I am in?

I am in need of a plan. A serious plan.

But I also know that I may never know all the answers.

And, to a Type A personality like mine, this is the cruelest truth of all. I may never know.

Blogging thru the mist

That sounds like a great movie title doesn't it?

In actuality, it's just the morning mist of a humid day in NJ. The kind of day where a person with super straight fine hair (me) can walk outside and have curly, fizzy hair within 5 minutes.

Where did the weekend go? I just don't know. I spent Friday evening camped on the recliner catching up on past episodes of Hells Kitchen and Ice Road Truckers (don't knock it till you watch it).

I slept until 9AM on Saturday! I swear I did! It was nice to wake up refreshed from 12 hours of sleep. I think all the sleepless nights caught up with me. And, it was QUIET. David was away, and S. was sitting in the family room with the dog. I made my coffee, and decided to stay in my PJ's until noon. Quite relaxing.

S. and I went to a neighbor's party Saturday night, and sat in more humidity on their deck drinking a new beer I hadn't tried before. Landshark, I think? It tasted like Corona. It was cold, and lovely.

I slept Sunday morning until 9:30AM. yee haaa!

David came back from the beach later on Sunday, exhausted from his fun (and I think my parents were a little exhausted too!) We spent the weekend missing him, and one hour home he was back to his crazy self. Chasing the dog, screaming for Mr. Softee... the house no longer quiet.

It was pretty good while it lasted.

Careful what you wish for

Did I say I was bummed that I was not experiencing any symptoms from the meds? I'll spare you the gory details, but suffice to say I was thisclose to waking up S. and begging him to take me to the hospital.

But enough about that, I'm in the general session of BlogHer in SL... very cool. Blog you about it later!

counting down

So, the week is drawing to another close. My parents are taking David away for the entire weekend (they are heading to the beach). Normally, I would be all excited about the upcoming prospect of being alone with S., but I am still in a crummy mood.

Dr. V called out of the blue yesterday. Wanted to see how I was doing. His words were... "I usually have my nurses call to see how you are doing, but I feel personally responsible for you."

haha HA HA. Loved that.

Besides severe intestinal distress, I felt no different after taking the Cytotec. Still spotting and the like, of varying intensity, but not really feeling like I thought I would. I guess I was waiting for the floodgates to open, and that just didn't happen.

So we wait until Tuesday, and if needed, get some "stronger" meds. Hoping the u/s shows this pregnancy disappearing by then. Hopefully.

So, as far as the weekend goes, it would have been nice for hubby and I to get away (by that I mean, drive the car somewhere FAR away from here), but we have a couple social commitments around town. He is going out after work tomorrow for a "goodbye" get-together for one of his employees that left the business. Saturday, we are going over to our neighbors for a party. Sunday, we have a picnic at a local winery.

ok, so it's not a terrible weekend, but I'll try to get by. ;-)

BlogHer Envy

I was scheduled to be in Raleigh this week for work (for a huge meeting) but my meeting was cancelled. Which is a bummer, since I would have loved to fly out to Chicago to attend the BlogHer Conference this week.

Many of my bloggy acquaintances are going, and I will miss the opportunity to meet them in person!

However, I do plan to attend via SecondLife.... which if you don't know I won't bother explaining. It's too hard to wrap your head around it, even for a techie like me. I've spent the better part of yesterday trying to find something for my avatar to wear which doesn't make me appear as a two dollar hooker. For you SL people, you know what I mean.

So, safe travels to my buddies that are going! I want to hear the stories... and, if you are looking for me virtually in SL on Friday, my avatar name is QueenMaryRose Ashby... and I'll be the one trying to not look like a hooker.

:-)

an end in sight?

Update on my current fertility woes...

I started having some spotting yesterday, so I went in for another visit to the RE. Dr. V found via u/s that the "products of conception" where still hanging on....

so now we are moving on to Cytotec to get the miscarriage over. I do not have any experience with this (my previous m/c all ended with "completed" D&E's unlike this debacle), so any of my IF buddies who have had meds to accelerate a miscarriage, please let me know your experience. Dr. V says I will feel like crap for two days essentially.

It's two doses two hours apart, and he wants me to do it as soon as I get the script filled later this afternoon.

My pain threshold is pretty high, but I am a little concerned that I have a full workload tomorrow. Wondering if I should plan a sick day?

food = office = entertainment

Some days I miss working in an office.

This comic strip reminded me of the days when I was easily entertained by the antics of my co-workers. Many of our office discussions revolved around food. Conference calls and meetings revolved around lunch. Nothing came between us and the lunch hour.

We were food whores.

I have such good memories of our impromptu office lunches. About 15 of us would gather daily in the conference room, and it was always a very social affair. Talking, Laughing, Eating. If we closed a big deal, we'd celebrate with a huge catered spread. If we hosted a seminar earlier in the day, you can bet we'd finish the leftovers before the caterers came back for cleanup.

I had a co-worker, Kevin, who was obsessed with food. He would travel into the city to get us THE BEST lunch items... everything from Thai to soul food. He never minded getting in his car to drive for food, so you can imagine he became the "office food biotch".
"you buy, I'll fly" was his mantra.
God bless you Kevin, you kept my tummy full for many years.

I think I spent a good portion of my salary back then on food. Back when I just got out of college I was a sales assistant, making a paltry salary compared to my co-workers. It wasn't a big deal to the people I worked with... most of them were software sales reps, and salaries were HUGE back then in the dawn of the tech age. My district manager covered my lunch more times than I could count, and for that I am always grateful.

But there were the "interesting" personalities. By interesting, I mean the co-workers that never joined us for lunch. The techno-geeks that sat in their cube all day running code like they were building a program to cure cancer (wouldn't that be nice?)

They were the co-workers that would sneak into the kitchen while we were laughing hysterically in the conference room... and nuke their day old tuna casserole in the microwave.

Or, whatever food that had the potential to reek for days in the office.

aaaah, the stories I remember.

Like when Marsha (name protected for her own good) had a habit of putting fish tacos in the micro on Fridays, and forgetting about them. Freakin' fish tacos would congeal in the micro over the whole weekend. Then after proper fumigation, we would put a sign on the micro alerting said offender.

Followed up by an office huddle at the receptionist's desk with my friends and cackling like witches about how Marsha's house must smell like dead, rotting fish.

Twice we threw out the microwave because of her.

aaaaaah, memories.

Misty water colored memories.

Now that I work from home, an office lunch is something that needs to be planned ahead, no longer "off the cuff" and trying to get people together is like trying to plan a wedding.

And the only person stinkin' up the micro is me when I make my Lean Cuisine.

So all you people who still have lunch buddies, I envy you.

I even wistfully miss the smell of spoiled fish tacos.

My childhood home

Owlhaven has a great blogging carnival going on today. The topic is to talk about your childhood home. And, I thought, YES... I'm totally in!

My Dad has his own construction company. He's always been a handy guy. Woodworker, plumbing, electrical, he was a master of all trades.

We had been living in a small ranch-style home in NJ (affectionately called "the green house" because it was...... well, the color green). When the business started taking off my Dad purchased 2 acres of land 1/4 mile down the street from our "green house" to build a new house.

This house (we called it, guess what? the "blue" house) was my favorite house as a child. My Dad built the house over the course of a year, by hand, with a few friends. It was a two-story colonial, and big in size by 70's standards. It was nestled in the woods with a long driveway from the street.

I have so many memories from that house. My Dad built my brother and I the BEST tree house in the backyard.... although it wasn't in a tree. He built it with 4 telephone poles (one in each corner) with a big deck. It had two levels. My Mom would pack lunch for my brother and I and we would sit in our tree house and eat. And, occasionally, leap off the second floor and require a trip to the hospital. The neighborhood kids were envious.

We had a pool with (you guessed it, a giant sun deck.. because my Dad never did anything in a small proportion). We loved that pool. I still remember dancing around in the pool singing Beach Boys music ("Surfin' Safari") and splashing with wild abandon.

I remember celebrating the "centennial" year (1976) in that house. I was eight years old at the time, and I remember being a girl scout. My Mom was the "cookie" mother, and that year we had cases and cases of girl scout cookies that took up the entire living room. I think that's where my love of Thin Mints started. lol.

Back then, thunder storms used to scare the heck out of me. I remember, vividly, watching the Donny and Marie (Osmond) show during a really bad storm and praying the thunder would stop before the show ended. My bedtime was 9pm, and there was no way I was going upstairs until the storm ended. Let me tell you how good my memory was... Tony Orlando and Dawn sang "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" as a guest on that episode.

Our driveway was lined with forsythia bushes that were this vibrant yellow in the Spring. I used to count my steps down the driveway from the door to the mailbox. There were lilac trees as well, and to this day when I smell lilac it reminds me of my "blue" house.

6 years after we moved into the "blue" house, my Dad bought another piece of land around the corner (8 acres, this time.. so he could have his business on the same property) and he built his and my Mom's "dream house", the house they still live in today.

Oddly, although most of my childhood was spent in that house, I still like the "blue" one best. Today, my husband and I live about 3 miles away from my favorite house. We pass it each time we visit my in-laws. It's not blue anymore, and the years have worn away the perfection my Dad accomplished in 1975, but I still think of the many memories we made there.

mmmmmm Milk

David is addicted to a certain chocolate milk. We first stumbled on it at Starbucks (they sell it in their refrigerated case), but then we found the half-gallon size at Target. I even drink the milk, that's how good it is.

5 Minutes for Mom is hosting a contest to win $300 of FREE Horizon Organic products.

I've never won a contest in my life, but this would be a dream prize for me, as sad as that sounds! lol.

Clearly, I am unlucky in EVERY way

Do you think I will hold the record for the longest miscarriage wait? I didn't mention yesterday, but I had yet *another* u/s which confirmed the fact that there has been no change from last week , or the week before, or the one before that.

I suppose this would be the very odd occasion where I might pray to the heavens to end this drama.

Could ya all do a sort of a "rain dance" for you know what?? I realize this is a very odd request (especially from my IF readers), but in order to start a new beginning....

I need an end.

and here I thought Victoria Beckham was a vain sourpuss

Did you catch the TV show last night featuring Victoria Beckham (aka Posh Spice)?

Please tell me you did. It was truly entertaining beyond words.

You know, I never got into the Spice Girls. Nor am I a fan of "football" (soccer) and David Beckham. I scratch my head each day when I peruse my favorite celeb sites wondering why on earth anyone cares about these two, I mean, really. Then they moved to the U.S. and all hell broke loose. All I knew was that Victoria was in a constant state of "paparazzi readiness", armed with hooker heels and short skirts and Jackie Onasis sized sunglasses that made her look like a bug.

So, I was channel surfing looking for something to watch before my date with Chef Ramsay, and I stumbled on the show, "Coming to America" featuring our friend and alien Posh Spice.

I laughed the whole hour. I really did.

Especially when she met the society ladies of the Hollywood Hills. The older woman in blue, with the "I have too much money and you don't ha ha so I can look like a clown in my makeup" look. She was priceless. And, Victoria's comment.... "well, she was blown-dry, wasn't she" referring to the woman's 80's Flock of Seagulls hair was hysterical.

I admire Posh. I do. She is rich. She is beautiful. She has a perfect nuclear family with a handsome man (also rich). She can buy a $17m house without deferring to her husband. She can fool the paparazzi by stopping in the local sex shop and having her stylist fashion a clone of her to thwart her photogs as they chase "bewildered porn Posh" in a big black Cadillac Escalade through L.A. She can toodle into Chopard to buy her husband a small "token" watch worth 65 grand. She can throw a baseball in her special made 4" tennis shoes (because ballerina flats are for frumps).

I'm not sure how scripted that show is (was it a one-time show or a series??), but if it is reality at all, I would love for Victoria to hire me as her personal assistant.

I have no shame. And I'd freely admit I'd love to be her assistant just to perchance get a good view of David Beckham's tattoos up close.

Sign me up.

The most boring post ever written

It's Monday, which is the day of the week I hate most. S. is off to work at 6:30am. I can't barely wake up on Mondays (especially when I had one too many margaritas on Sunday), David can't get moving either on Mondays. He usually sleeps on the recliner while I shuffle in the kitchen, making his lunch, getting his clothes together, getting myself together...

Today was one of those mornings where you find it better to go back to bed and hide rather than face the realities of the day.

I drove little guy to his school, and bought a coffee, only to take a sip halfway home and find that they put SUGAR in it... which I HATE. Then, I round the corner to home in the car and surprise! the road is closed. I am a mere 750 yards from my street when friendy policeman says.... "sorry, road closed, you have to turn around." "But I live right there!!!" And I am forced to drive in a circle for 4 miles to get to the other side of the road where my house is when I can practically SEE IT from where I was stopped.

I have a dentist appointment this morning. I don't mind the dentist, but I am not motivated to go there today.

I have 62 unread e-mails from Friday, and I wonder if my co-workers are robots, because THEY NEVER stop working. Damn cyborgs.

And did I mention I still have no symptoms of this impending miscarriage? I have another u/s tomorrow for the Dr, to look and say, "gee, this should have started by now." Meanwhile, I've been reading up on recurrent m/c, and I am growing concerned that something really not right is the cause of my bad luck. My mind is reeling with a recent book I read that talks about the ties between the immune system and recurrent loss. I feel like bringing my books to the RE tomorrow, and telling them I want more testing in that area.

At the same time, I am soooo tired. so tired.

an A HA! moment, as Oprah would say

I've been thinking of writing this post for ages.

Actually, long before my most recent personal event, I've spent many evenings awake at night pondering the topic of Secondary Infertility. (which I will refer to in this post as SI, for short).

First of all, before I get into the meat of what I want to say... I do not want to alienate or offend my readers who are dealing with primary infertility. We all have individual battles, and each of us is just as important as the next.

That being said, I am completely dumbfounded at the lack of real, detailed, specific data and support for those of us suffering from secondary infertility. At the beginning of this year, I started researching this topic, as well, recurrent miscarriage as part of secondary infertility.

Yes, I found lots of infertility sites. Lots of resources for the "primary infertile".... articles, data, and support. When I searched on those same sites for "secondary infertility" I found usually one article that was purely put there as a footnote describing only the definition of SI, and lip service to where to go for resources or support.

The truth is, these predicaments are really very different in some ways. Sure, there are many emotions shared in general, but there seems to be slightly different emotions when you call out secondary infertility. Not to say one is more important than the other... they are not. But there is a helplessness and grief component that manifests itself much differently when you've had a child and can't conceive or give birth to another. It's not worse, it's just different.

Couple the topic "secondary infertility" and "recurrent miscarriage" as part of the equation and you get even less info if at all.

I searched on Amazon. They have thousands and thousands of books, right? If anything is published, it's there 99% of the time. You would think it would have at least a dozen or more books on the subject.

I found ONE book on Amazon, (which was out of reprint btw).

Last week, I called all the major hospitals and health centers in my area looking for a support group. I live near a major US city, so you would think that there would be all kinds of support groups for secondary infertility, right?

I did not find even one. I called a larger group advertised in my newspaper with the description "Infertility Support" and spoke to one of the leads, who informed me that their discussions/members tend to focus on traditional infertility and adoption. Most of the people in this group "are childless" she noted, or in the process of adoption.

Ok, so I am evidently not welcome there. My bad.

Look, I'm sure there are plenty of support orgs that are accepting of all variations of infertility, but at the end of the day... how uncomfortable would it be to participate in a support group knowing a few of its members may not really want you there? How do you meld into a group of people feeling confident you aren't being judged?

Even RESOLVE, a nationwide infertility association has just one page regarding secondary infertility. Where I retrieved this quote:

Even though secondary infertility has a higher prevalence rate than primary infertility, couples are far less apt to seek treatment for this condition. When their first child is conceived with ease, many couples are caught completely off guard by the difficulty of having a second child because they hold the belief that past fertility insures future fertility.

and this...

Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size. Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children.

Sigh. True words.

I feel like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit anywhere.

I am Googled out, and have come to the conclusion that if millions of women are experiencing this in their lives, where are the resources? Where in the world do these women and their partners go to connect? Where are the positive stories for those who experienced SI?

I have to tell you, when I stumble on a blog and meet someone in my shoes, I get so excited that I found someone else that can relate to what I am going through. I bookmark these blogs, and every day I find at least one more. There is a community out there probably itching for info and support.

So I have this idea. An idea to create an on-line community for secondary infertility. A place for connecting, sharing, and information. Because at the very least, I know the despair and the feelings around this more than anyone. There ought to be a place for women to go where they are not an afterthought.

I'm getting together some ideas on content, so if any of my readers (currently experiencing SI or BTDT) want to throw in some suggestions, I would appreciate it. Obviously, I am in the early stages. But I welcome ALL suggestions.

And, if you are a seasoned web developer that wants to help out (gratis of course...) please contact me.

More to come....

Notice for my regular readers

I added some links in the sidebar for easy access if you want to add BagMomma to your reader service such as Google Reader (my favorite) or Bloglines. If you have an active service, just click and it will add the BagMomma feed. I publish FULL feeds by the way ('cause I really dislike partial feeds!).

For my low tech readers (Steph this is you!) I also provided a link to subscribe to my feed to be automatically sent to your email on a daily basis. Easy as pie.

I am also doing some maintenance of the site, so you may see some outages here and there over the next few days... do not worry, I am just tweaking for a better site experience!

A new purse brightens the day, but of course

So I wanted to treat myself to a new handbag, but the thought that I may end up in the poor house with these medical bills put the kabosh on that.

And then, a surprise.

My Mom, who in her inifinite wisdom knows that there are very few things that cheer me up when I am in a funk... gave me the CUTEST summer purse today.

A Michael Kors Santorini Woven Shopper with white leather detail.

OH YES.

I feel 2% more happy today.

Okay, maybe 5%.

Thanks Mom. You rock.

Enough already

Another day, another u/s. Pregnancy still clear as day sitting there in my nether regions., refusing to budge. It's as if the gestational sac is flipping me off on the screen.

Yes, this is not the way to end a pregnancy.

Dr. V says we now have to just "wait it out". One, two, three weeks for the natural miscarriage.... unless there's any sign of infection or trouble.

My mind now turns to more important matters, such as I have a business meetings coming up in Raleigh, NC and vacation in Disneyworld. I really don't want to have to be dealing with an impending miscarriage or heavy cycle (which I KNOW is coming).

If I had to sum up my feelings today, I would say FRUSTRATION and helplessness.

So, after this passes, and the obligatory two cycle wait, I'll be lucky if I can TTC again in October. That makes me cranky.

So what about the future?

The plan will be to move to injectables for a few cycles and skip the clomid, since Dr. V said that Clomid will likely not help me very much. The object will be to boost ovulation as much as possible in the hopes we catch one (or more) good eggs. If that doesn't work, then straight to IVF.

I've been also having a slight meltdown with regards to my health insurance. My plan is 80/20, so I'm stuck with 20% of the costs for everything. Today was u/s #7 and every time I go back it's like you can hear the cash register "CHA-CHING!" I am worried that the bills are starting to come in, and that this may be just a small part of what we will be up against in the coming months with what we have planned. To say I am sort of freaking out about money is an understatement at the moment.

I had a horrible day back to work yesterday. I couldn't even muster the strength to get through my e-mail, and then I found out that I am taking on some of my old work I thought I gave up when I was promoted into my new role... So, I will be back to working two jobs again essentially. For the first time in my professional career I am scared that I can't do it all. That all of this stress and family commitments, work, TTC, etc is just inches from blowing up in my face. I've always prided myself with being an outstanding employee, and I have been a terrible one lately.

I am not wired for failure (I always believed that), but how can I stay positive? It always came so easy to me, I would fall and get right back up. For the first time in my life I just want to lay down.

This is a path I have not traveled before. It's a little scary.

Positivity will get you nowhere

Sorry I kind of disappeared there. I took some time off and found it really nice to not sit at my office desk at all since last Wednesday.

So, catching up... the surgery went fine but the result was disappointing. I had the D&E only to find out from my RE that he couldn't locate the the tissue, so it was pretty much like going thru it all for nothing!

That's right, the D&E was only the "D" part. I still don't quite understand how he couldn't "find" the pregnancy. It was there on the u/s the day before. His call was that he didn't want to keep poking around and causing pain and potential complications. My uterus is in an unusual position from my previous c-section, blah, blah, blah.

Mind you, I had a sucessful D&E last year with no issues. Back when I actually still had a glimmer of patience.

I was so mad on the way home. I was trying to be positive hoping it would get me through this faster, and now I am back at square one. I have an u/s tomorrow to see what's there, and to discuss what to do next. If I have to sit and wait around for a natural miscarriage I might lose my mind.

Is it me??? I swear. I just wanted to move on.

Meanwhile, I was having a lot of cramping (no bleeding)... enough to warrant three Advils at a time. Oh, and the antibiotic they gave me (Cipro) has my stomach in knots.

Topping that off was my hubby came down with some sort of sickness, and he's been in bed for the last day. He spent so much time taking care of me I think I stressed him into illness.

The only bright spot in an otherwise beyond crappy weekend was my best friend drove down from North NJ with her hubby to spend some time with me, S., and David. It was a welcome break from a bad week.

Worst of all, I am back to work today. Work being the furthest thing from my mind.

Sigh......

Well, at least I got to visit the new Starbucks

Did you hear that?

That's the old Shelli coming back in the room. Bitter and angry Shelli is gone for now.

For the first time since Friday I laughed.

I had a conversation with my bestest bud in the world (Steph, are you reading my blog today????) I can always count on her to make me laugh even in the darkest moments (and there's been a few in the last 20 years). Thanks to you, my friend for always bringing me a good dose of reality and sunlight.

Well, S. went with me this morning to reconfirmation u/s #5 (I can't wait to get the medical bills on this last episode). Saw Dr. P's other partner, Dr. V. Dr. V delivered the bad news again, but it didn't register the same amount of angst and sorrow it did on Friday. It was now just something to be done before surgery day.

He surprised us by not showing us the door after the scan, but asked S. and I to meet him in the consult room. So we did, and to my surprise I found him to be very informative. We talked about the surgery... obviously (no point in not responding to the elephant in the room), and then we talked about the future.

It's interesting to get one doctor's view and then another. Dr. V had never met me before today, but he took the time to read my whole history, ask questions and then he said the words I've been wanting to hear... "If you are ready to move on after this, I am ready to get aggressive in your treatment... the faster we get you pregnant, the faster we can get to you to your goal".

And before even blinking an eye, S. and I said in unison.... "We're ready".

So after feeling like the world was ending, and questioning whether I am even on the right path, our WILL to have another baby seems unending. As long as the will remains, we will follow this as far as we can.

S. and I decided last night before we even walked into the office today that our journey is not over by a long shot.

So, I am counting the hours to 7am Thursday to put this particular pregnancy in the history books. Ready to move on, because that's all I want to do.

I left the RE's office, and to my surprise, the new Starbucks just opened down the street. I drove there and ordered a Venti Non-Fat Latte with a double shot of java.

Caffeine to cure the soul.

It tasted fabulous.

Inbetween

First of all, thank you all for your comments and emails. Your support is immeasurable.

I have to admit, I was pretty unraveled on Friday. It seems each time this happens, I am propelled into a place I don't like to be and a strange place for me. I wanted to be alone. I did not answer the phone. I went to bed after I wrote the last post, and literally did not get up until Saturday. I cried for so long my eyes were swollen until Sunday. I was disappointed, yes, heartbroken, yes... but I had another reaction that surprised me.

Anger.

I was mad. So mad. Angry. Pissed. Four miscarriages, FOUR!!! How could this kind of torment be bestowed upon someone like me? Why can't this happen for me, when there are ungrateful mothers out there, mothers who abandon children, mothers who give away their babies?

And now, I am in the place I hate most... the inbetween time. When you still feel pregnant but know that the reality is there is yet another missing life that did not get a chance.

I am waiting for the RE's office to call for my surgery time. I have another u/s tomorrow to reconfirm and D&E will probably be scheduled Thursday because of the holiday.

The D&E scares me, I admit it. I had my first one last April of 2006 (my 1st m/c at 11 weeks) and spending the day in a cold bed waiting to be put under is the worst feeling. My last experience wasn't painful, it was just emotional torture.

And now I have to go back to the hospital once again, to the same floor, same procedure, same emotions. Where every doctor, nurse, anesthesiologist asks the same first question.... "what are you here for today?" I think I will just bring a flash card with D&E printed in 72 pt font and stick it on my head so they don't remove my kidney or something.

To be honest, I don't remember much of what Dr. P said after my u/s Friday. I sat in his office afterwards frozen, the only thing I was thinking about was driving two miles down the road to see S. at work and have him hold me.

Dr. P just shook his head in disbelief, as he reviewed my chart. He said he wanted to take the fetal tissue and do a genetic workup to see if there's any explanation that would help explain what has gone wrong with my body since I had David in 2003.

I am not looking forward at the moment. In fact, I can't see past this week at the moment. S. feels so out in left field, he just does not know what I am feeling and he himself is disappointed and desperate. It's hard to stay positive when you keep getting knocked down. So hard.

What will we do????

It's a question for another day I guess.