fourth verse, same as the first

It's over.

u/s was bad. No heartbeat. Baby stopped growing. D&E scheduled next week.

I am shattered. hopeless. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my body.

feeling like an idiot thinking this would ever work.

faith. gone.

It's an acquired talent

Last night, my son and I were sitting on the floor playing with his Ninja Turtles, Star Wars Sandtroopers, and his "Army men" as he calls them. They were having a battle in the Fisher Price Castle.

I have a habit of always sitting "Indian style" .... whether I am on the floor or on a chair, it's just more comfortable with my legs contorted than straight out. I know, I am odd. But that's me.

Anyway, I noticed that David sits the same way I do.... except he calls it "pretzel legs". So I asked him, "hey David, ask Daddy to do pretzel legs!"

To which my husband, S., gives me that "I can't believe you told him to ask that knowing I can't sit with my legs that way if you offered me a million dollars"

Honestly, S. has some sort of defect. He can't sit Indian style. He tried once and he could barely bend his legs close to his body. It's like he is jointed wrong. It's really sad yet funny.

So, then I said, "Honey, Daddy can't do that, I was just kidding. Daddy's inflexible, I guess we just have to deal with it."

To which David said, "Daddy, you are broken, what are we going to do with your inflexible?"

Well said, my son.

Rock on!

One of the sweetest bloggy friends a girl could have, Kim, nominated me as a Rockin' Girl Blogger.

I am humbled and ready to get out my guitar and strum a few bars of AC/DC. Oh wait, that's right, I can't play guitar. But I still rock, no?

I'm paying it forward to a couple other fellow bloggers that I enjoy, and, truly make the day shine with delight. If you are not reading them, hop to it, because they all ROCK:

Mrs. Schmitty from It's a Schmitty Life - I love her humor and her kids are just a riot. When I think of fun families I wish I knew IRL, hers takes the cake.

All the ladies over at WMAG Working Moms Against Guilt. This is one of the first blogs I read in the morning. I especially LOVE their Friday Finds posts. These ladies work it, and rock it every day.

Erika over at Plain Jane Mom who has exposed me to so many great blogs other than her own, AND she is a conglomerate of blogs now, her new site Plain Jane Deals is a cool source for stuff on sale. I am addicted.

Sara from Self-Made Mom A fellow working mom whose blog makes me THINK (in a good way), who reminds me that it's okay to wear flip flops to work, and also reminds me that work-life balance is a moving target that is worth chasing.

Feelin' lucky?

I love giveaways! Get your blogging self over to 5 Minutes for Mom and try your luck!

Random thoughts

It's Monday, and I am in a fiesty mood. I have a mountain of work that I've neglected over the last two weeks, so instead of being proactive I've spent most of the morning sufing my favorite fashion and celebrity websites.

This post is sort of a random thought that I may be losing any "coolness" I once had. I am concerned and perplexed that I have been missing these trends I just stumbled upon....

Someone, please explain....what is Harajuku? I thought it was a word Gwen Stefani made up to describe her horrible backup dancers, but I see now it's a fashion statement???
Would you be caught dead wearing this? Poor LC, seems that L.A. sun has gotten to her head.
Does it scare you that stirrup pants are making a comeback this fall?

Next thing you know legwarmers will be back in style. Nothing like making your legs look like tree stumps.

Good? or really Good?

Well, there is a baby in there. See the grain of rice?

It's measuring right on. Heartbeat not discernible(yet), Dr. P. wants me to come back next Friday for another scan. He said it's a little too early to get a read on the heart. I thought I saw a flutter,(so did he) but it was not obvious. Then the conversation went like this:

Dr. P: "Michelle, this pregnancy looks really good."
Me: "Good like, how? Are you just saying good because you don't see a heart beat? Good like normal? Are you sugar coating?"
Dr. P: "I don't sugar coat, by the facts I see here this looks good."
Me: "So, it's technically not really good until the next scan and it looks good then, right?"
Dr. P: "I know you are nervous. I am telling you that I see no negative signs at this time"
Me: "So that's good, right?"

Obviously, since the measurements look good, I feel just a tiny bit of relief. I want the flutter to turn into an undeniable heart beat. I have to tell you, waiting another week will kill me, but for today... I am HAPPY.

and the winning number is....

Beta up over 6,000.... Nurse B. didn't give me the actual number except to say that tomorrow will be the key, because at that level they should see what they need to see on u/s.

I was about to say that it's (OMG! heart palpitations)not doubling, but before I opened my mouth she said 72-96 hours doubling is very good for HcG when it gets beyond 1,200.

It's sorta like the lottery drawing... we will all gather 'round the u/s machine tomorrow morning at 8:45am.... and the fate of this pregnancy will be in stone.

I'm scared, because I feel the dark clouds closing in, and at the same time I am feeling tomorrow could be my lucky day. I just don't know which way it will go.

The art of distraction

I took the day off blogging yesterday to ensure I was nowhere near the ability to surf and google. Granted, I still had my hands on a laptop.... my business one, but I managed to work the whole day hardly thinking about my status.

David spent the day with his Grandma, and after I brought him home he felt warm. By the time bedtime rolled around he had a 102 fever. Needless to say, I am like the walking dead this morning... S. and I were up all night tending to the boy. He has no other symptom except for the fever... is he getting sick? who knows.

I woke up this morning wondering what I was going to do with him, his fever had gone down after a few tylenol doses, but he was in no shape to go to school. So he's at my Mom's again.

After I dropped him off with his blankie, I made the usual trek to the RE's office for blood draw #6. I suppose today's results should indicate how well tomorrow's u/s is going to go... until then, I am trying to keep busy and not worry.

It will be what it will be I guess.

Besides working, I have a ton of laundry to do and some filing that should fill the time when I'm not doing business.

and we wait.

The suspense was killing me, truly it was

I like to stay away from the subject of politics in my blog, because it's just not a topic I care to write about in this format. You wouldn't want to get me started.

Suffice to say I am a reformed republican. In other words, I am not 'on the right side' anymore thankyaverymuch.

I stumbled on something funny to share with you all. I received an email from the "Hillary for President" campaign, seems they chose a campaign song. Cause what's a campaign without a theme song??

Check out this blog post announcing the chosen song. Are you (were you) a Sopranos fan? You'll get a kick out of it.

A good laugh

enough already! I feel like this blog is decending far into the depths of emotional chaos. If you are not in the Services/Consulting business, this comic won't make much sense.... but it got a belly laugh from me which is good on a day like today!

good news??

My beta this morning was 3,400

which is good, and perfectly doubling. I just don't know what to make of it. I guess I'll take it as good news for today, because, frankly.... I don't know what else to think at this point.

The nurse was very positive, and she thinks that this is not anywhere near over. I guess it's possible that I ovulated later than I thought, and this pregnancy is not as far along as I think it should be. By my accounts I put myself at 5w6d, but the data points differently.

I am praying for a full-out miracle.

on a wing and a prayer

Did I call it or what? Today's u/s = inconclusive.

They saw a sac, with a tiny point that could be a fetal pole. Since I didn't chart this last cycle, I don't know when I ovulated (although I am guessing CD 15-17)... so it's possible that it's (say it with me) just too early......

So, back to the lab room for more blood, because if it doubled since last draw that would be a good thing.

And repeat u/s scheduled for Friday AM.

So I suppose the end to this story may come today if the bloodwork is poor, otherwise, I have to wait it out for another draw on Thursday and the Friday u/s.

I can't help but get a bad vibe from this. The only good news is that this pregnancy is definitely intrauterine and not ectopic.

Why can't it just be simple.

Why.

Must. stop. googling.

First of, thanks to all of you for your well wishes. I have had a lot of other sources of stress this week (other than the ongoing pregnancy saga), and it's nice to come here for a little "uplifting" energy.

I am stressed, anxious, happy, worried, elated, and nervous. And, with some time, I can think of about 100 more adjectives to describe what I am feeling.

Outside of my blog readers, no one knows about all this commotion which is good and bad. With my past history of losses, I can't even imagine when I will feel okay to talk about it. I long for the days when I was pregnant with David (in the first trimester) when I had no fear, and miscarriage was a word I was not familiar with. I just toodled along, dreaming of baby names and color combinations for the nursery. Innocent and unaware.

I guess Monday's u/s will tell the tale, really. What can they see in a six week u/s anyway? I figure best case scenario is they see the two spots they are looking for (sac and fetal pole), and worst case they see just the sac, and schedule me for another u/s in a week because it's still too early (a common phrase in the world of early u/s).

I would have felt better if they just said, "hey, let's just wait one more week", (7 weeks) and then we will know the ending or beginning to this tale with clarity.

So now I move on from one thing, to obsess about another.

Today, I am taking a break from Google.

I will not Google.
I will not Google.
I will not Google.

Sometimes it's better to be blissfully unaware.

Yup, it's me, still pregnant

Today's numbers = 842

I quite possibly may hold the record for perfectly doubling but low HcG.

U/S on Monday!! More prayers appreciated.

And, Natalie, if this pregnancy goes forward, you know I want to know gender specifics. A girls gotta plan you know....

David goes to Pre-K

A milestone has been reached in the BagMomma house. David's teachers have moved him up to the big kid's class... Pre-K

Where did the time go? It seemed like yesterday when I first brought David to his daycare at 5 months old. A little baby. I cried all the way home that first day after dropping him off. Being without him for 7 hours, three days a week was sheer torture. I remember picking him up on his first full day and wondering if I would recognize my own child amongst 6 babies.

I swear I did.

And, there he was, propped up and sitting on a yellow foam chair, in his Winnie The Pooh overalls, red cheeks, smiling. He didn't even miss me.

Then time accelerated through the toddler stages and then preschool.

And here we are. Next Monday he starts in his new room. Since it's Summer Camp Season, he won't be diving into his subjects until September (its all sun and fun for now). The room has these little desks they sit at for a short time during the school day (to prepare them for the environment when they go to elementary school).

When I picked him up yesterday he hugged me and led me into his soon to be "old" preschool room. In his cubby was a giant blue bag with his summer camp stuff issued from school, a camp t-shirt, and goodies.

And a tag that said, "DAVID - PRE-K"

He picked the bag up, swung it over his shoulder and exclaimed, "Mommy, I am a big boy finally! YAY!"

Finally.... as if each milestone hasn't mattered along the way.

For him, and most of his friends... they look at the Pre-K room like it is the holy grail of daycare. They wonder what goes on in the room, they see desks and personal computers, and separate art and play rooms. The little kids look though the glass on the way to the other rooms and marvel at "the Pre-K room".

Where the big kids are. The "cool" kids. Like looking into a fishbowl.

David told me he was going to spend an hour or two in his new class today, so I am betting about now that he has his sh*t-faced grin on.

They grow up so fast.

News

HcG= 310

which is, like, what, more than double? My fertility friends, figure that one out. It was 3.75 days inbetween draws since my last one was Thursday. I suck at math but this looks promising, right?

Picture me doing the happy dance today.

I am slow, but sure.

Next stop, Thursday for beta #4.

My bloggy story...

Chilihead has started a blogging carnival where you can share your blogging story. I'm joining in, because these seemed like great questions, and, I often submit to peer pressure. lol.


How did you start blogging?
I started blogging in Spring 2006 on a journaling site (not really a blog) but the site was cumbersome, and it was hard to upload pictures and customize/format the way I wanted my site to look, so I switched to Blogger last September.
Originally, I blogged for just my eyes. I had my site password protected and had no feeds running loose across the web. Then I realized it was a great way to keep in touch with some IRL friends and internet friends, and, hell, it wasn't like I was blogging anything BAD... so I let my little blog loose.

Did you intend to be a blog w/a big following? If so, how did you go about it?
No, for the reasons above, but then I started meeting other people who had great blogs and seemed like interesting people, so I figured, the more the merrier! I signed up with BlogTopSites, Blogexplosion, and Technorati in an effort to find more blogs and enable them to find me.

What do you hope to achieve or accomplish with your blog? Have you been successful? If not, do you have a plan to achieve those goals?
When I started this blog, I really just needed an outlet to jot down my feelings. And then I mixed it up with talking about my son, my hobbies (like my purse addiction) and my work-at-home situation. I guess my goal is the same as it was from the beginning, to meet other bloggers, be entertained by other blogs, and to blog about my own topics.

Has the focus of your blog changed since you started blogging? How?
Not really (see above), but I can tell you that I've developed a huge interest in writing about the day-to-day challenges of the WAHM Mom, and I would love to incorporate more about that subject in my blog. I love to meet other Moms who have the same struggles. I've also pondered writing for other blogs in the "working moms" space. I just haven't come across the right situation yet.

What do you know now that you wish you'd known when you started?
Hmmmmm, probably to put more thought to the blog platform used. I am on blogger at the moment, and pondering a move to another platform with more flexibility.

Do you make money with your blog?
I try half-heartedly :) No, really, I think I made like $20 bucks in total from ads, but it's not really about the money to me. I guess it wouldn't hurt though, right? Maybe I'll ponder that awhile longer and get back to you.

Does your immediate or extended family know about your blog? If so, do they read it? If not, why?
When I started this blog, I really wanted to remain anonymous to everyone. But as I've developed a love for writing again, I've begun to share with some friends and family, but others.... I don't know. It's like, if I put all of it out there on the table, do I really want everyone to read everything? Now that the cat is out of the bag somewhat, more and more IRL friends/family are readers. My husband knows about my blog, but isn't a regular reader. His take is this is my space, and he doesn't mind. But I do hope he checks in once in awhile... he probably does at work :) Are you there honey????
A few of my close friends are loyal readers, some long-term internet buddies are regulars, and my sister-in-law.
I don't think I'd want my parents or my in-laws reading this, but if they found me, I wouldn't be disappointed. Everything in this blog is me.

What two pieces of advice would you give to a new blogger?
Pick a platform with care and don't try to do everything at once. Blogging is an evolving process, and the beauty of it is what it becomes along the way. Some people blog for themselves or others, or a mixture of all three. Blog what you want and what you know, but don't get caught up in blogging a certain way because someone else does that format well.

And in news unrelated to fertility... :)

The current situation has been taking up a lot of brain and blog space. This weekend was pretty relaxing, consisting of a lot of doing "nothing".

Which is nice.

I putzed around my Target store, bought a couple of needless items that were on the dollar rack. (is it me this year or was the Target Summer 'seasonal' section underwhelming?)

I also took the opportunity to go to the Coach store for the VIP event, and I got a new purse (and wallet) 25% off!
You can't beat that with a stick.

I am going on record to say that this summer is going to be crazy. I have a bazillion social commimtments (something going on each Sat. or Sun.) every weekend through the end of August. The thing that bums me out is there always seems to be conflicts. So although it's nice to be social, it sucks when you RSVP to something and then get another invite for the same day. I hate to miss out on people and fun.

And on the fertility front, my pregnant self is still here. I went for another beta this morning, and am feeling less stressed about the results.

It will be or it won't... worrying won't make it better.

So, I'll be back later today with news. Good or bad.

Stuck in a Moment

I heard one of my favorite U2 songs in the car this morning, and it's like one of those things where you hear the song and can't get it out of your head. Sort of like a Wiggles song, that occasionally I can't stop singing in my head all day long "Hot Potato, Hot Potato". It just drains your brain of all intelligence.

This morning was a little different, because I started singing along and the thought struck me how it was so coincidential that this song mirrors my feelings today.

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trynna' find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you. Ooh.
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
'Cause tears are going nowhere baby
You are such a fool
To worry like you do.. Oh
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

Bono, you are such the poet my man... you wrote that for me right?

I guess I should probably be feeling decent, but I have to tell you, I still feel like I am just stuck inbetween a wide range of emotions. Now that yesterday's test is over, the attention now moves to Monday's blood draw.

Monday feels soooooo far off, and I think that the verdict on this pregnancy will be evident by then, or clearer, I guess I should say. For this weekend, I am going to attempt to keep my mind and body occupied and be happy for the fact that for today at least, I am still very pregnant.

Thanks to all the well wishes friends... your support is immeasurable.

Still in the game

HcG= 50 (more than doubling from last 48-72 hours)
p4= 36

And...... we wait until Monday for the next round.

Stick, baby stick.

Waiting...

I went to the lab at my RE's office early this morning, right after I dropped off the little guy at preschool. I must have looked stressed when I arrived because the front desk person, Tina, gave me a look that I am sure she repeats more than a few times a day....

the look of 'I know you are stressed, we promise to get you in and out of here quickly'.

I was in and out in 10 minutes tops, then a trip to Dunkin Donuts for the XL decaf coffee.

I feel the same today. My mood is cautiously pessimistic.

Trying not to read too much into my symptoms.... remembering I hadn't known what 'normal' pg symptoms are for me since I had David 4 years ago. Well, the first miscarriage being in 4/2006 was when I was a 13 weeks and it progessed fine until week 11. The other two pregnancies since then have been very short-lived. And now this one, which resembles none of the above.

I am bracing myself for bad news, because, frankly....I am getting to be a pro at bad news the last couple of years.

So, anyway, they probably won't call with the results until late afternoon. I promise to report here, good or bad.

Until then, my fate lies with a lab technician.

Queen of denial

Maybe it's the progesterone supplements that are making me nauseous. Or the fact that my stomach has been one giant knot since Sunday.

In any event, I am still here, and still pregnant today. I considered driving to CVS Pharmacy to buy a few more HPT's to see if the line is non-existant or darker, but in reality I am a chump (and a wuss) and the idea of not knowing today seems far better than knowing.

Sometimes being blissfully unaware is a blessing in itself.

My repeat beta is tomorrow morning (Thursday), and I guess I'll know where this path is leading by tomorrow afternoon.

I hate taking these progesterone supplements, because I feel like it's masking what's really going on. I will tell you I certainly feel pregnant today- but that is because of artifical hormones.

One day at a time I guess.

And, for right now it's still a possibility.

Here we go (again)

So I took a pregnancy test on Sunday. And it was positive.

So Monday morning I shuffled off to the RE's office for the obligatory blood draw.

The results came back and were, to say the least, depressing. HcG was a mere 22, P4 a little better at 17.4. This is on 13dpo, by my account.

I know that my ovulation date could be off, and I may have had a late implanter, blah, blah, blah. I just can't believe I can't catch a break and just get pregnant and not have to ALWAYS be in this inbetween state.

I call the stats dreadful, but the RE prescribed me a progesterone supplement to get it into the "safer" zone.

Whatever that is.

S. wants me to be hopeful, but you know what, this the the 4th pregnancy that is teetering on questionable.

So, next step is the repeat beta on Thursday. If the numbers don't more than double, I am doomed.

Please, readers.

I know a lot of you are friends, acquaintances, or mere passers-by.

But if you would please say a tiny prayer for me that this one will be different. I need all the sticky vibes I can get.

Yours,
Shelli

Monday already???

Well, we finally got around to having David's 4th birthday party this past weekend, and had a great time. I had my new margarita machine turning out some tasty drinks, lots of food and fun.

Minor incident from the day was the swing accident... Hubby was pushing David on the swing, and David fell off (in front of his cousin, also on the swing) and he ended up with a kick in the head from cousin's shoe by accident. He didn't even cry really, more sulking than anything, but by Sunday the skin around his eye was red, minor black and blue. This morning it looks much better, though.

I've got a day of work ahead of me and a rip-roaring headache. And, tonight is a dinner that S. and I have to go to for his work. It's an awards dinner for his company, and can I tell you DRY is the adjective to describe this event. Not looking forward to it really. Kind of like going to the Dentist.

Lastly, I've got some other bizarre stuff going on that I'll chat about later. For now, I really need to find some Tylenol!

This Monday is shaping up to be a swell day.

Can you get it studded with diamonds?

I don't know where to start. Have you heard of the Ov Watch? Is it a joke, a fashion-statement, a bonifide fertility aid?

I stumbled on an ad in this month's Working Mother magazine for The Ov Watch Fertility Predictor.

The advertisement featured a bizarre Swatch-looking watch with the tagline,

"Finding the RIGHT TIME to conceive can be frustrating"...

ooooooh, pure marketing genius there.

After I laughed thinking how dorky it would be to run into someone at the supermarket wearing said watch:

"ooooOOH! Nice watch!"

"It's my fertility monitor, you like?"

Ok, so after I laughed my ass off I went out to the website for some research, I figured it would be entertaining at the least.

Apparently, this watch is to be worn at night, and registers female hormones from your sweat. So it doesn't come in 7 fashion colors. Bummer.

Yeahhhhh...

and then I saw this quoted gem:

Nearly 66% more pregnancies are estimated to occur by month 6 with OV-Watch over urinary LH kits.

Wow, so that explains why I'm not pregnant!!! I've been buying the tried and true LH kits which apparently suck against the Ov Watch. [are you hearing the sarcasm?]

They even have a 'Get pregnant in 3 months' offer.

I must be missing the boat.

Jokes aside, I know I have a lot of readers to this blog that are also trying to get pregnant. Have any of you considered this device, used it, effective, or a piece of junk?

I am just so jaded around fertility, I sincerely think that this science seems kinda odd. But that's just me. If it was so great I have to think I would have heard all my fertility-challenged friends run to the store for this one.

I just keep going back to the thought of getting into bed with the watch on and hubby declaring I am plumb out of my freaking mind.

Yes, I do hinge on the edge of desperate at times, but not there yet. I like my FM and my pee sticks, and I can determine my fertility in the privacy of my own bathroom. Not wear it!

But that's just me.