Presenting...the human pin cushion

More fun. I just got back from the lab for another blood draw.... 16 vials of blood.

Not kidding.

I copied the list of things my OB had on the script to test. I don't even know what any of it means except they took so much blood from me I was lightheaded afterward.

Not good when you have to drive home, btw.

I am feeling a bit better today about all of this. Well, besides the torture I just went thru.

Despite the circumstances, I am putting on my cap of optimisim and doing whatever I need to do to get where I need to be.

Flying blind at the moment, but so be it. I can get through this with baby steps.

what now?

I went into the OB's office yesterday for blood work. I rushed over there because the nurse said that if I got there before noon, they'd have the results back by the end of the day.

Fast forward to 8pm, last night... my doctor calls me, completely unaware why I was in the office for blood work. The nurse did not write in the chart WHY the doctor was to call me!!! Can you believe that?!$! She's calling me to schedule an u/s, and I'm like... "HELLO, miscarriage here!"

I was so annoyed.

So, the results didn't come back... now I am waiting until later today for a phone call from the doctor on next steps. I assume since I was early into my pregnancy, no d&c is needed. I frankly, don't even want to talk about the miscarriage... I just want the doctor to tell me where do we go from here. What happens now???

I can't comprehend trying again, when it took so long to conceive this time. S. has been so supportive... "this won't beat us down, honey... we can move forward", he says. It's unusual for him to be the optimistic one. In fact, most of the time I am the optimist and he is the glass half-empty guy. I guess that is why we balance each other so well.

I am just tired. I will be 39 years old on Friday, and I would have never bet in a million years that I would be approaching 40 and still not completed my family. My heart breaks every time my son asks me for a brother or sister. I can't hold back the tears when he looks at me and asks that question. That little boy of perfection, why oh why couldn't he have been a twin so I wouldn't be in this predictament?

Now that I am an official fertility reject, I need to shout out to the cyber world because right now this is the only thing that will make me feel better...

This is NOT FAIR!


Sh!t, I still don't feel better. :(

Not again

My dream is, again, short lived. Another miscarriage.

I can't find the words to express how devastated I am. "Not again, not again!!" I keep repeating it hoping that if I say it enough time will reverse and allow me a do over.

It just doesn't seem fair that lightening should strike twice. I worked so hard to stay optimistic from the miscarriage last year. I had hope that it was a freak occurrance, not to be repeated.

I've been reduced to a statistic. Again.

I don't even have the heart to call my OB. For what? So they can tell me to come in for more bloodwork in two weeks to confirm I am a reject????

I really just can't do this anymore.

Mmm Mmm Good

In case you've been living under a rock, you need to know that it is the season once again for Girl Scout Cookies. Hallelujah!

Buy an extra box of Thin Mints for me... will you? Don't let me be embarassed that I have probably bought more Thin Mints than any customer so far.

Another month, another new bag...

I bought this one for myself after the holiday, been using it for a few weeks, and I love it!

Available here:

http://www.coach.com/content/product.aspx?product_no=8911&category_id=68

Because I said so!

I just had a mommy moment this morning...

I dressed David for school, or should I say, I tried to get him going when he was obviously still in sleepy mode. He wasn't cooperating. Jay Jay the Jet Plane was much more interesting than listening to Mommy.

He didn't want to get dressed. He didn't want to go to school. Mr. Grumpster (as I call him when he has his moments) wasn't wanting to do anything...

I got him into the bathroom to brush his teeth and he was unrelenting. Teeth clamped, he wouldn't open his mouth to let me brush the spots he missed. I said, "David, open your mouth." like 1,000 times, and he repeated, "Whyeeee???"

Finally after the 10th go-around in this exchange, I yelled, "BECAUSE I SAID SO!"

oh, man....

did I just utter the words I swore I would never say (like my Mom did a million times when I was a kid)??? Words that make no sense to a child, and seem pretty ridiculous as an answer to the question?

I did.

Well, the net-net of it is he finally put his "listening ears" on after that. I rarely raise my voice to him, but I must make a scary impression when I do, because he was fairly cooperative afterwards.

I thought later about it, and when it comes down to it, ya gotta do what works sometimes I guess. It's odd to think I am only now truly understanding what a MOM is (and how to converse with an independent, curious, and stubborn toddler). Sometimes there just isn't a good answer to the question, "why?"

Why?

Because I said so.

Give a hoot don't pollute

Give a hoot, don't pollute
Never be a dirty bird
In the city or in the woods
Help keep America looking good!

If you are a child of the 70's, you'll remember this little jingle from our friend Woodsy the Owl. Looking at it now, it seems a bit weird... I mean, who approved of the "dirty bird" phrase in the song? That's just odd, even for an owl.

Anyway, I was watching TV over the weekend, and the subject of a news story was, "What irks you?"

My answer is LITTER.

I've driven down rural roads in my town, observing other people's mess, and have to admit I am disgusted at the total lack of decency some people have. Everything you can think of was tossed along these roads. Tires, fast food containers, bottles, diapers, bags, I even saw someone dumped an old weight bench on the side of the road.

What are people thinking??

Each day I drive out of my nice neighborhood, I see a perfect example... Someone unknown (who I assumes lives here) has a penchant for emptying their cigarette ashes and butts from their car right at the corner. On the ground. Every day there is a new pile of crap in the middle of the road.

If I wasn't so busy, I'd go on a stakeout and try to catch them. I'd chastize them (nicely of course) about their littering. Then perhaps find out where they live so if I am in the mood, I can dump out my trash on their lawn. Oh, there, there, I am just kidding!!

I've participated in some volunteer clean-ups in the past, and it defies logic how much crap people think is ok to just chuck on the ground. And, the sad fact is that there are so many people who pay little attention to this epidemic of bad manners.

So, if you are guilty of polluting.. STOP! You can reform yourself! Think about what you are doing to your environment.. the place YOU live in.

Don't stomp out your cigarette on the ground, have a heart.
Don't spit your gum on the ground.. some innocent person will be really angry if they step on it. Worse yet, their toddler might pick it up and try to eat it as a snack. Trust me, I know this.

Use the proper receptacle for your refuse....

Please don't be a dirty bird! Woodsy the Owl is watching you... and probably me.

Pretty much sums it up...

Pins and needles

So, I am still recovering from this recent development. I'm in the void that I hate most, the place where you hope and pray the pregnancy sticks.

I had my first blood draw at the OB's today (for a beta and progesterone level check). I have to wait until tomorrow (after 1pm) to call them for the results.

Even though I have a handful of positive pregnancy tests, I still feel like I am one step away from losing my mind. I can't focus on anything... work or life at the moment.

Once this sinks in, I seriously need a plan to keep myself from going crazy!!

So, we wait for hurdle #1.... in the meantime friends, please send me some good vibes!!!

A wish received...

I knew I could count on you 2007... I just knew it.

Yes, you are looking at a positive pregnancy test. I am finally pregnant again!!!!

Please stay sticky little bean.

A BagMomma food favorite

Behold, Trader Joe's Bruschetta.

Probably the best jar bruschetta I've tasted. If you love tomatoes, garlic, and spices, you gotta get this stuff. And, surprise! it's actually good for you!

Frighteningly good with Trader Joe's whole wheat bagel crisps.

The only drawback is you probably should brush your teeth afterwards, and maybe guzzle some mouthwash. It has a lot of lingering garlic that may scare anyone you co-habitate with.

Totally worth it though!

Yeah! Arts and Crafts

I'm off work today, and home with the little man. He is having a ball with his new Playdough Activity Center. Only problem for me is supervising to ensure my new carpet remains undamaged and that the dog doesn't eat the giant blue snake David just made.

Back tomorrow, and I promise something more comedic and less Lifetime movie'ish! I swear my life is not this depressing!

Cheers,
Shelli

This is your life

I attended the funeral last night for Mr. K. I was so sad to be attending a funeral for a man that was like my second father to me when I was a kid. As I drove into the church parking lot, I got misty-eyed and considered making a u-turn (I know I wouldn't, but the thought was still there). I figured I would see a lot of people there I knew, partly because I was like their adopted child when I was young. I was BF with their daughter D., and we were like to peas in a pod.

I am very emotional when it comes to wakes/funerals. I hate them and they scare me because it's a little taste of reality I don't want to see.... death on display.

Little did I know I would be propelled into an alternate reality that resembled high school, just everyone was older.

I was nervous walking into the lobby, and shocked that there were HUNDREDS of people already in line for Mr. K and his family.

As I opened the door, there stood my high school German teacher, Mrs. S. She smiled at me and it took a moment for her to "recognize my smile" as she said. She rattled off abut 5 names of people I knew (who I attended middle/high school with). She made a comment which is always so true... "funerals always remind you of all the people you touched in life"

I stopped at a video that was playing, with so many family pictures revolving around. The crazy thing was I remembered many of those pictures... the one that was on the wall in their family room, the one on the steps leading upstairs. And several photos where I was in attendance as a girl. All kinds of memories flooded back to me in an instant.

As I stood in line, I saw people I have not seen in years. Old friends, parents of old friends, teachers, family. It was like watching an old movie, except all the people were older.

When I got up to the coffin and the immediate family, I saw D.'s older brothers and they talked about how when they took out the old pictures to choose for the video and the collage for the service, I was in so many of them.

We talked about good times and memories, and it struck me how much I was a big part of their family back then. Trips to the beach house in Ocean City, NJ with the K's.... church with the K's.... church Youth Group with D. and D. ... family parties..... birthday parties....

The years passed, and although I saw them all from time to time, it was never like it was back then. When I saw D. I gave her the biggest hug I could muster. The last time I saw her was at my Grandmother's funeral 3 years ago. We made a promise (which I hope we will keep) to keep in touch, and not let another funeral be the next time we see each other.

Mrs. K, was, as usual, the strongest. She had planned for this day the moment Mr. K was given the diagnosis. I cried when we talked, and I apologized for the absence of my parents who were away on a business trip. I felt horrible for hearing of Mr. K's death and my Dad's good diagnosis on the same day. I felt guilty that the same cancer took Mr. K from her, but left my Dad. She put her hand on my shoulder and said everything happens for a reason, and how happy she was for my Dad. Her faith unwavering, just as always.

As I left, I greeted another high school friend on the way out. We talked and laughed, and I thought how odd to be so glad I attended the wake.

So it seems that the circle of life continues, and I am grateful to be reminded that death sometimes unexpectedly brings life along for the ride.

100 things about me

It's finally here, my 100th post. Doesn't time just fly?

As a celebration of this momentous achivement, I bring you a blog favorite,
100 Things About Me:

1. I was born on the most uncelebrated holiday ever, Groundhog's Day.
2. My favorite foods are pizza, crab cakes, a nice steak, and nachos with beef and LOTS of cheese.
3. No, I could never be a vegan, for the above reasons.
4. I have one brother, George who hates that I still refer to him as Georgie.
5. I LOVE the band U2.
6. I own no less than 100 handbags.
7. My favorite TV shows are Lost, House, and Grey's Anatomy
8. I like to cook
9. I belong to a gym, but I wish I spent more time there (and my ass does too).
10. I am a self-taught computer techie (you should see me take apart a pc, sometimes I scare me).
11. I work at home.
12. I secretly wish that I could be a mountain-climber or a figure skater.
13. My family calls me Shelli, but my real name is Michelle
14. I can't start my mornings without Dunkin Donuts coffee
15. I shop on-line because malls scare me
16. My first kiss was with my husband at the age of ten
17. It bothers me that I can't fathom that the universe is unending. Try to wrap your head around that.... see what I mean?
18. My family's favorite vacation spot is Disney World
19. My Mom and Dad own a small business that is nearly 40 years old.
20. I LOVE my "Seven" brand jeans
21. I hardly ever go to the drycleaner... EVERYTHING is washable, except for suits.
22. I hate, hate, hate to grocery shop
23. I love to burn candles in my house
24. My favorite drink is a green apple martini
25. My obsession to be pregnant again has been driving me mad
26. I wish I had a maid.
27. I miss my Grandmother dreadfully.
28. I like only black ink pens
29. I collect (and sell) Longaberger baskets.
30. I once slept out for tickets to see Duran Duran, The Cure, Depeche Mode, aah to be young and stupid.
31. I can't make a pie from scratch
32. My best friend is Stephanie, my roomie from college. I am sure I knew her in another life.
33. Speaking of weird stuff, I believe in ghosts and "good" psychics
34. I have seen a ghost
35. I love rollercoasters
36. I wish I could say "no" more often than I do
37. I used to speak German (pretty well)
38. My favorite trip ever was a student trip to Europe to see Switzerland, Austria, and Germany.
39. My first cat was named Muffin.
40. My favorite cat is my current cat, Luke (named after Luke Perry).
41. I am scared to turn 40 (I have no idea why)
42. I am very crafty, and love to paint
43. My sign is Aquarius
44. I love my husband's gray hair.
45. I love the smell of my son's head.
46. I used to have the nickname, Spike, in high school.
47. People think I am outgoing, but I really am secretly shy (I used to be afraid to speak in groups but work has turned me into a chatterbox in front of people).
48. I actually buy items from QVC and I am not an old gray-haired lady.
49. I never carry change in my purse... I have about 6 or 7 jars of change that one day will make me rich when I get my butt to the local Coinstar machine!
50. I'm more comfortable in sneakers than shoes.
51. I can't bear to dye my own hair, so I spend $150 every other month at a ridiculously high priced salon to do it for me.
52. I LOVE to wrap gifts
53. I drive a Ford Explorer
54. I listen to Preston & Steve on the radio every morning (you need to be local to Philly to know that... but they have a great podcast... check it out!)
55. I always wished I had long hair, but my hair is so thin I would look terrible. Maybe I'll get fabulous extensions one day!
56. I go to bed at 9pm on average... but I get up at 5am.
57. I love to people watch
58. I prefer Coke over Pepsi
59. I dislike showy, pretentious people
60. I don't use sugar in my coffee
61. I don't clean windows.
62. I haven't cleaned the cat litter in 4 years (Hubby does it)
63. I have about 20 bottles of shower gel (just in case I run out).
64. I once had a drink with Robert Downey Jr.
65. Speaking of celebrities, I crashed a benefit at the old Vista hotel in 1998 in NYC and met Lenny Kravitz and Susan Lucci.
66. I peed next to Joan Collins at same event in the ladies bathroom. Yes, I also stood at the mirror and saw an inch of makeup on her. And, man, is she tiny!
67. Continuing with bizarre celebrity connections, I once worked across the hall from Danny Bonaduce when he was a morning show host in Philly (met celebs like Jon Bon Jovi, thanks to him).
68. I wish I was taller
69. I wish I had (back) my blonde hair from when I was a kid.
70. I used to have "high hair" in college and waaay embarrassed to admit that
71. I don't smoke, never have.
72. I don't like my food to touch each other on my dinner plate.
73. I like to read Stephen King books.
74. My favorite candy is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups... I eat around the outside and then the middle.
75. I have about 40 different color markers in my desk drawer, but I hardly use them.
76. I once was a security guard in college. I am not kidding.
77. I like to sleep in total darkness.
78. I pay my bills on time and am a bit anal-retentive when it comes to Finances.
79. I won a poetry contest as a kid, and was published.
80. I still write poetry, though not very often nowadays.
81. My favorite kid's book is "Oh the Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss
82. I am afraid of spiders, but once caught a mouse with my bare hands.
83. My biggest fear is being lonely.
84. I sing when I am nervous. Badly. American idol I will never be.
85. I wish I had more time to do volunteer work.
86. I hate when the mailman is late to my house.
87. I like to send greeting cards, but wish more people sent them to me.
88. I don't dance well, I have two left feet.
89. A perfect night at home with the family is ordering Chinese and watching a couple movies, especially scary ones.
90. I hate to answer the phone.
91. I love to entertain, and plan parties.
92. I love my new home office!
93. I hate my middle name.
94. I love hearing my son say, "I love you Mommy."
95. My favorite days are rainy days.
96. I think I am a cool Mom.
97. I like the smell of grass (grass as in LAWN)
98. I love hanging out with hubby's and I's friends, Mark and Carol.
99. This list made me think about what a loser I can be. :)
100. I wish more people would POST in my BLOG! I know you are out there, fess up!

Mom tip of the day

Do not ever ask your 3 year old to hold onto a half gallon sized bottle of apple juice while you move things around in the fridge to accomodate said bottle.

Trust me, it's a sticky mess!

It's a GREEN Friday

No serious post for today! To lighten the mood, I just want to wish my hometown team, the Philadelphia Eagles, a fabulous win tomorrow!

And if they lose, you know what? They had a great season anyway! Who thought they could get this far without their first string QB? It's a great season no matter what!

FLY EAGLES FLY!!

The universe is calling, hold please

I tend to shy away from posts that pull on the heartstrings. Truth is, I am a much better comic... humor seems to brighten any day, and lord knows humor carried me through a lot of ups and downs in the last year.

When I started this blog, I wanted to take some time now and then to talk about the important people in my life. Ya'll already know that I got my fashion sense from my Mom... (and so many other things like, keeping up with my finances, caring for others, how to do it all and still be a great mom, wife, daughter).

From my Dad, I have character. And by character, I mean the core element that keeps me balanced as a responsible adult. His lessons over the years have made me who I am today. My Dad is such an admirable human being. He grew up with not the most fabulous upbringing, but when he started a family with my Mom he was committed. When I was a kid, and we were short on money, he worked 3-5 jobs at the same time. He was an entrepreneur, taking a small family business from my grandfather and turning it into a lucrative business that provided for us and propelled him into places he never thought he would go.

My Dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer a year or two ago. Twice. Well, let me rephrase, he had a tumor that was removed, had treatment, and then got another one this past year... requiring more treatments. Bladder cancer is a very common cancer, but mostly affects smokers (90% of all cases). My Dad never smoked a day in his life.

I think the cancer served as a wake up call to our whole family. Treasure each moment, because too often they are fleeting and gone in a blink of an eye.

On Monday, my Dad had another biopsy to see if the treatments had eliminated the cancer cells which have been hanging around. The result..... no cancerous cells!! The best news I've heard in a long time. We are elated, and although he will need to still have future treatments to stave off future tumors (for the rest of his life), he has a pretty good diagnosis.

A couple weeks back, I shared in my blog that one of my Dad's friends was also diagnosed with the same cancer. The biggest difference was that my Dad's friend waited 4 months from his first symptom to see a doctor. The cancer had gone into his lymph nodes in a short amount of time, and his diagnosis was terminal. He was given three months.

He passed on yesterday. Friend of my Dad and friend of mine. I was best friends with his daughter as a kid, (that's how my Dad and he met). I pray for their family today. I pray for his wife (who is a marvelous person and was a second Mom to me as a kid) and his children who I grew up with and have so many fond memories.

Good news and bad news. Sometimes the universe happens that way.

I don't write in this blog to preach. But if anyone reads this, remember this...

Cherish each day you have. Reach out to those you love. And, don't ever wait to go to the doctor if you feel something is "just not right". Listen.

Sometimes that little nagging voice in you head serves a purpose. And the purpose is to remind you that you are human, and things happen. Ever read stories about people who happen to visit a doctor, randomly mention an issue, and it turns out that they mentioned it in the nick of time?
That happened to my Dad, and he listened. A blessing..... and we thank whomever hears us in the sky that the message was received.

-S

New year, new makeover

I hate the look of my blog, not as visually appealing as I would like. I am not an HTML expert, and no way I want to be one either (heaven knows working in the technology industry has zapped the ever-loving life out of me to do anything creative). So, I am currently looking to give BagMomma a makeover. Stay tuned, I am hoping for a new look over the next month!!

Rehab here I come

Or I should say, rehab for food junkies like me. Yes, I am going back to Weight Watchers this week.

Yeah, it's on my list of resolutions, and don't laugh, I am back on the wagon for like the 100th time.... but better to try than do nothing, right?

After all, I've got a bathing suit I have to fit in for vacation.... in MAY.

Heaven help me....!

If only weekends were longer

It's so old to say "I hate Mondays", but I really do.

I hate Sunday evenings too, because the threat of the looming Monday just kind of ruins my evening. S. and I were wtaching the Eagles (YEAH!) kick the Giants to the curb last night, and after we jumped for joy at the final Akers field goal with 3 seconds to go on the clock... (damn, that was a good game) we don't even care that we win against New Orleans next week, cause we made it to the playoffs without McNabb!

wait, where was I?

Oh yeah, after we jumped up and yelled at the end of the game, we turned to each other and said...

"Eeeew, tomorrow is Monday".

And, from that point, I started my Sunday night ritual. Get David's clothes together for school, prepare his lunch for the morning, finish folding the wash, clean up the kitchen, take out the trash.... 9pm, bedtime.

5:30am came too soon this morning.

Blech....

The devil made me do it

Actually, not the devil, but my husband.

I used to be a diet soda drinker all my life.

Truth be told, it was like a mortal sin to drink regular coke back in college. Far better to chase those calorie-ridden cheese fries with a Diet Coke. Sensible, right?

Well, after I married darling hubby 12 years ago, I discovered that the man had never even tasted a diet soda. He was a regular Coca Cola man. Not Pepsi, thankyouverymuch.

and so began my love affair with regular Coke....

S. wouldn't even entertain diet soda, and in the first 5 years or so, I conceeded and starting stocking regular soda in the fridge. And, I started drinking it too. And by the year 2000 or so, I was hooked.

Damn him.

So, one of hubby's resolutions this year (not nearly as interesting as mine, lol) is to drink less Coke.

You see, the difference between S.'s cola drinking and mine is I have maybe one can a day. S. consumes about 5 cans, plus the 20oz.'er at work.

Since marriage is all about "all for one and one for all", and all that crap.... plus the fact that I am dieting (to wit I need him to support me there), I made a pact with the devil last night.

No regular coke.

Ok, no problem, right?? I mean, I don't even drink a ton of the stuff... I drink mostly water anyway. Problem is, it's 9:30am ET and all I am already thinking about not having a Coke with my lunch.

Crikey.

Must be what smoker's feel like when they go cold turkey.

Thank goodness I have my Diet Coke.

How can you resist...

the cuteness of a toddler?

We have a saying around here that Mommy and Daddy are the bosses, collectively and separately.... but when this child is staring you in the face, all bets are off.

By the way, if you are wondering what's on his head, it's a fence (corral) from his John Deere playset. Instead of setting it up on the floor and putting horses and tractors in it, he decided it looked better as a fashion accessory.

When I asked him what it was he put on his head, he said, "I am the KING Mommy"....

so true...so true

The Top Ten resolutions I won't keep

Yeah, I got a list of resolutions... don't you???

If not, don't feel bad. I am one of those geeks that writes down my list every year, only to review it at the end of the year and realize what a complete moron I am. Maybe if I try reverse psychology on myself I will trick me into actually achieving something!!

So, today, I share with you...

BagMomma's Top Ten Resolutions I WON'T Keep:

10. I will dust my house on a regular basis
Yeah, when hell freezes over...

9. I will cut down on my coffee habit.
I'll go to Dunkin Donuts instead of Starbucks during the week to save the 4 bucks I need for that Saturday latte.

8. I promise to do something to bring joy to someone else each day.
God, I love Oprah, but she's like a bad BFF who uses peer pressure to make you feel like an idiot. I have enough issues bringing joy to my own damn day. Ok- I'll shoot for once a week, I swear.

7. Lose weight, this will be the year I take off those 50 lbs.
Actually, this is the only resolution I have a snowballs chance in hell of doing, but instead of sabotaging myself every stinking year, I am going to go back to Weight Watchers to lose 10 lbs., and we'll go from there....

6. I will finally take the 7 jars of change I have been collecting to the CoinStar machine at the supermarket.
And, then spend it on a latte, or twenty lattes (hence, not achieving #9 on my list).

5. I will go to the gym 5 days a week.
oh hell, I know this is a losing battle. But I promise to go three times a week, depending of course on the time of day...... the weather..... if I feel like it...

4. I will keep my desktop clean!
Isn't clutter the sign of genius? if so, I got it dooooown, baby.

3. I will clean out my closet(s).
I attempt this every year, I even get a pile of clothes to give away to Goodwill, I just never get the bags to the dropoff, and by the time I do... well, it's time to clean the closets (AGAIN). See??? this is a freaking losing battle.

2. I will get out of debt.
I will get another card to pay off the one with the balance. Does that count????

1. I will not spend as much on handbags.
No way on this earth I'll keep this one. So forget it.

It's here! My lucky year!

Ok, forgive me for being overly optimistic. But as I noted in my previous post, positivity will be the word around here until further notice.

Until then, please excuse me, I'm off for a celebratory latte... I'm still on the clock after all.

Back tomorrow!